#3 the one where I think about resilience, kindness and mental health

So this is my third blog post here and it really should have been the fourth but last weekend I had one of those days where nothing goes right and the post that I was writing got completely wiped when my computer unexpectedly shut down. 

I will still get on and re-write that post.  It was all about scent and an aromatherapy workshop that I’d done via zoom that was organised by TOAST and run by HACKNEY HERBAL. 

It was brilliant and I learnt so much that got me thinking about layers of scent in aromatherapy and perfumerie and layers within ourselves. 

However, for today I’m focussing on resilience.

This is all linked I assure you.  Here is my train of thought…

I lost all of my work this time last week, I'd been rushing a bit to get it done before supper time with my little family.  We were then going to settle down together to watch Strictly and I had a pile of ironing to do too. 

I’m sure that this sounds more than familiar to many of you.  I’d actually planned to write the post on the Friday but ran out of time.  I felt under pressure.  My husband told me to just leave the ironing until the next day but I knew that I had a ton of other things that needed to be done then. 

I was sooooo behind!

In the past I'd have got really stressed. I'd have not enjoyed the evening.  I might have even huffed off to write the blog while everyone else watched the television.  Or worse I might have watched with them but with my mind elsewhere and stayed up late into the night typing.  All because of some self-imposed task and deadline.  

I certainly would not have given myself any grace or shown myself any kindness.  I said something had to be done and that was that.  It is not that I don't still believe in keeping promises and showing up.  I just see things a little bit differently.  I have simply become more resilient.  I have become better at protecting myself and my mental health.  I have become better at practicing what I preach!

So, in no particular order here are some things about me and my life that have made me more resilient along some thoughts on resilience, kindness and mental health:

ONE - I have lived in 7 different countries and had 22 different homes. I counted recently when my daughter was researching a biography about me for school.  That is a lot of moving about and change. 

It was totally normal for me as a child.  My Dad was in the Army and that was just life.  I see now that it taught me how to adapt, how to find my place among different people and in different places and cultures.

TWO - I went to boarding school. 

Oh my goodness.  Shock.  Horror. 

This was the reaction of the social worker who came to interview my husband and I when we first started our journey to adoption.  She even asked about me not having been nurtured and loved and how I could offer that to a child myself.  I was so shocked at the response. 

I felt really judged and did not know how to respond.  Boarding school was my normal.  I really enjoyed school.  Here was someone telling me it was a negative in my life.  I did not know what to say.  

It wasn't until the second interview that I recall having a reply and explaining that actually boarding school gave me stability.  It gave me a constant place and constant friends.  It also gave me independence and built up my resilience, as did that interview with that particular social worker! 

To her credit she understood what I was saying and I think that she came away with another view on boarding school.  

Resilience can be standing our ground and speaking up and explaining ourselves and it can also be allowing ourselves to consider another point of view and another experience other than our own.

THREE - After point number two I have to mention adoption. 

The route to adoption is something that requires resilience and builds resilience too.  It needs to, because boy oh boy have we needed to be resilient raising two children who have experienced such trauma and losses in their early years.  

We have learnt over the years to act towards our children and ourselves with real kindness.  That is a huge part of resilience for me.  Learning to be kind.  So kind.  Even when someone is kicking you, spitting at you, both vitriol and actual spit. 

Kindness is the only thing that will heal those hurts.  Kindness to yourself when you have lost your temper and not shown the loving kindness to the children that you know they so desperately need.  Kindness towards them when they say that they want a new family because you've put boundaries in place that you know they need.

Over the years we have learnt so much about ourselves, our strengths and our weaknesses and we have learnt a lot about resilience.  Our children are the very best teachers.

FOUR - Perfectionism.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I am so much more aware of those tendencies towards self judgement now and I have learnt to notice and keep it in check.  It is so important for my mental wellbeing to do so.  It has not always been then case.  In the past I have run myself ragged trying to do it all, trying so desperately to be everything that everyone in my life needed me to be and doing it perfectly.  It is impossible.  I was setting myself up to feel like a failure.  I was setting myself an impossible task.  I have learnt over the years, through therapy, through experience and growth that I need to be kind to myself.

I find it relatively easy to be kind to others, it is part of my nature.  I can be generous towards the people in my children’s past.  They were victims of their circumstances.  I have found that I have had to dig deep to find kindness and be non judgemental towards myself.  That is something that I have learnt that I need to nurture within myself.

FIVE - Selfishness is necessary and it is not necessarily selfish. 

Oooooh!  Read that bit again.  It's a real gem!  

This is one of the biggest lessons I think that I learnt from my therapist.  I went to see her after I was diagnosed with a reactive depression after my brother died.  He died in a tragic military helicopter accident, so obviously very much a sudden shock and a huge loss to me and to many.  I might share more about that another day but not right now.  

My therapist would question me about why I felt that I needed to do something for someone else or go somewhere or be somewhere or say ‘yes to something.  My answers always revolved around ‘should’ and ‘ought’.  They always focussed on someone else's need and not my own.  

I really learnt to set boundaries then.  My resilience began to grow and along with it my self-care and kindness.  You cannot pour from an empty jug.  I truly believe it and apply it to myself now.  

I am now able to say no if I need and want to!  That's a real big one for me!

There is tons more that I could say about resilience, kindness and mental health but I shall save it all for another day as this post is incredibly long already!

My message to you all this week is to show kindness, above all to yourselves.

Louise x